Episode 9 : Anne Hill

Anne Hill autobiographical notes

“I was born in London in 1962.

My father was an Irish orphan and my mother a Burmese- French -Filipina refugee. I am a New Zealand Citizen. We came to New Zealand for a life away from the British class system and growing racial tensions.

I have extraordinary kind sisters, three good adult children, a dog, and a cat. I have a handful of amazing friends.

Michael Shirres, the sex offender, was entrenched in my childhood from the age of four. On bad days I feel he has become part of my DNA.

I started school with the Sisters of Mercy in Howick, while living at their orphanage, Star of the Sea. They gave me shelter, food and a bed. I am at peace with their efforts to kill head lice, partially wash us a couple of times a week and send for a doctor when my sister was wracked with Asthma. I remember some of them with a kind of mutated fondness and others with fear. Sister Fabian was a good woman. Some of them were cruel and I do not forgive the ones who hit my sister and drove her to run away and leave me for a few tortuous days.

Forgiving does not heal PTSD. Truly. Nor does medication nor education. Nor does hate.

I attended Aorere College [Papatoetoe, Auckland], where staff looked the other way as I became totally under the influence of the Art teacher, whom I married. I went to Auckland Teachers college imagining a career in Primary education. Bill Trussell, and Dr Alcorn saved me from my own foolishness and helped me shift to Elam School of Fine Arts, Auckland.

It was to be a sanctuary, until, to my horror, Shirres arrived at the art school to address an Oceanic studies class [1982 0r 1983. Shirres was at historic Newman Hall, Waterloo Quadrant, home then of the Auckland Catholic Tertiary Chaplaincy]. He had morphed himself into Maori spirituality expert.

I trained as a Secondary Art teacher. I taught at Seddon, which is now Western Springs College. The students were a link to optimism and hope. Painting and poetry, parenting and imagining myself growing to be ‘whole’ formed a scaffold for a time. I pushed myself too hard, and in the 1990s, after coming to Pompallier College, a co-ed Catholic Secondary school I recognised the severity of the trauma I live with and slowly withdrew from my active art and professional life.

I spoke up about abuse in the Church. It made no difference at all. I did enjoy exhibiting, and working with young people who loved the arts, but in the end, anxiety, depression, and the cruel clarity of recognising the presence of evil around me, led me to withdraw more and more.

My physical and mental health were compromised. I kept trying and sometimes I put effort into seeking justice and a better level of understanding for survivors of sexual abuse.

Sometimes I wish I had just shut my mouth.

I have no great expectations for change. I like to think we can shift people, slowly, one at a time, to love and value children and vulnerable adults.

To be fully human is to trust and love someone.

Shirres mainly destroyed my capacity to trust. My children, especially my son Jora, my sisters and friends give me hope for a future world that is kinder.

I believe children should have childhoods.

I am writing and self-publishing a book. I never seem to finish such tasks. I did a painting called “I am THE WAITING WOMAN.”

I have a master’s degree in fine arts from RMIT which I take some pride in. I am grateful to Jesus, but truly, I cannot in good conscience, at this time, suggest anyone trust his friends with their children.”

Murray is an advocate and historian for The Network of Survivors of Abuse in Faith-based Institutions and Their Supporters and a founding member of The Reckoning NZ